Just because someone carries it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.

I found this in one of my darkest times.

Yep, that's Tumblr.

When I was underwater at work, a shitty dad and a shitty husband, I would scroll #darkacademia, #melancholy and #oscarwilde on Tumblr.

I was actually scrolling #melancholy. *yikes

I was doing this daily. Hopping on Tumblr feeling depressed, looking at other depressing things to make me feel comfortable with that.

At least I could feel depressed with strangers.

But on the surface, I seemed fine to everyone else.

I never raised my voice at work. I always got my tasks done. And I still hung out with my wife and son.

Internally though, I was pretty well miserable.

Maybe you've felt the same.

Maybe you've got your own versions of Tumblr, like drinking, bad habits, or dark secrets.

So does everyone else.

That's the point of today's post.

It's empathy in two parts.

Part 1: Kindness for yourself.

Part 2: Ask, don't tell.

Let's go.

Part 1: Be friggin' kind to yourself

You know this already, but let me remind you.

Life is one big mess.

But there's an undeniable fact: the quicker you learn it, the healthier you'll be.

If you aren't good, you can't be good to others.

Or, as RuPaul says it:

The most unhappy people I know have common themes in their lives.

• They think someone is always judging them.

• They feel like their high standard is the only way it gets done.

• They don't trust.

• They feel like other people are watching their every move.

See the commonalities?

They are letting other people dictate their happiness, joy and worth.

That's called codependence. And the Mental Health Impact group has this to say about codependency:

Codependency often coexists with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and substance abuse.

Translation?

Codependency = lack of kindness for yourself

The point?

You can't even begin to be empathetic for others if you're not accepting two things:

1. Life is messy

2. You're messy

Accept life is messy versus thinking you're the only one who doesn't have it all together.

You're not.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

So how can you be kinder to yourself?

A framework

1. Get a self-reflection journal

I know. I know. But hear me out. It doesn't have to be this fluffy thing. I'm talking pen and paper.

Here's an example of mine from last month:

Neither of these days had me feeling particularly good.

But there's so much power in getting the bad out. And science backs it up.

Advances in Psychiatric Treatment found that expressive writing (a form of journaling) led to improved stress management and reduced symptoms of anxiety and depression.

You've got a pen. You've got paper. Just get it out of your head.

2. Keep your phone away from you

Whether you know it or not, you're giving less time to yourself for every single minute you're looking at your phone.

Why did I go on Tumblr instead of Instagram?

Because when you're already in a bad mood, the last thing you need is to see people you know having a good time.

That's what the majority of social media is. The perception of a good time.

If you have enough self-control to scroll social and think, "This person's life is messy too." all the power to you.

But most of us can't.

And either way, you're not being kind to yourself by entertaining the thought of comparison.

Plus, less screen time is never a bad thing.

My advice? Don't allow your phone to be in the same room as you until after noon.

How to be kind to yourself in 2 minutes

That's it. Two things.

The idea here is that it takes very little effort to start being empathetic with yourself.

Write for 2 minutes with your phone in the other room.

Simple.

If you have more time, though, here are other ways to give yourself some good vibes:

• Write longer

• Get morning sunlight (science plays into this huge) and also helps you sleep better at night

• Exercise

• Walk your dog

• Read something that makes you happy (here's what I'm reading right now)

Now that you're giving yourself the empathy you deserve let's give it to others.

Part 2: Ask, don't tell

This one doesn't take any time that you wouldn't already spend.

Why? It's a doctrine, not a task. And it's extremely simple. Here you go:

Never let the first three things in a conversation be anything other than a question.

Say what, Colby?

You want to be more empathetic, right? You wouldn't be reading this far down if you didn't.

Then let me tell you a secret.

The best way to be empathetic to others is by asking questions.

Simply put, if you're having a conversation with someone and all you're doing is trading experiences, IE:

• PERSON: Here's what happened to me.

• YOU: Cool! Here's what happened to me.

• PERSON: Interesting. I think this...

• YOU: Really? I think this...

you're having a conversation, but not a very empathetic one.

The reason the first three things you say have to be questions is because you need to train yourself to:

• Not talk about yourself

• Not give advice

• Not give judgment

Asking questions is the secret weapon of empathy. And this doctrine forces you to listen.

The benefits?

• The person will feel heard

• The conversation will go deeper

• The relationship will be stronger

• They'll likely pay it forward in the future (if they don't, they may be toxic)

Challenge

The next person you talk to, force yourself to ask them three questions before you give advice or talk about yourself.

But Colby, that's so hard. Someone will ask me what's new with me.

Yep, and you'll simply say: "Of course, I'll tell you what's new, but I'd love to hear about [X] first. Tell me more!"

They'll be happy to talk about themselves.

Then ask a couple more follow-up questions as you go along.

Summary

And just like that, you're more empathetic.

Let's recap

If you want to be more empathetic and just generally a good human, there are two easy ways to do it. And they don't cost you a damn thing.

1. Be kinder to yourself

• Self-reflect

• Keep your phone away from you

2. Ask, don't tell

• Never give advice or talk about yourself before you've asked 3 questions in a conversation

Simple, right?

Remember

Just because someone carries it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.

Everyone has a lot going on. And it doesn't matter what it looks like on the surface.

Journaling will help you go deeper with yourself.

Asking questions will help you go deeper with other people.

Congratulations, you're now more empathetic than the majority of people.

Off you go towards making the world a better (and kinder) place!

What I'm working on

Let's face it; there's more to shifting our mentality than just trying to change.

Systems help.

Enter Notion.

I've never worked in Notion before, but I see it as a valuable resource for system building and improving our daily.

Here's a quick poll (time investment = 10 seconds).

What items would you like to see me build? They'll all be free, btw.

Finally, something that f'd me up

Systems and resources I'm using right now to improve 1% every day.

I'm a Webflow disciple. It's what my website is built on. Get started for free. Need help designing a site? Let's just call it a hobby of mine. Book with me here to chat about it.

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